So, I love having a boyfriend.  Most of the time.  Especially when he pulls out the romantic one-two punch!!

Read with me, and SWOON!!

So, i’m bored earlier and I send Mike a text message.  It says:

“Baby you are sexy and I want to fuck you”

I wait, don’t hear anything right away.  Then!!! :

“Go straight home so we can”

He says this because I get my kids today after work.  They are 2 miles away though, no biggie.  Still, I think he’s just pulling my horny little leg.

I text back:

“LOL Seriously?”

I don’t get a response.  Now i’m annoyed.  Did he REALLY just tease me like that?  Fucker!

He leaves work and calls me.. this is like 4 hours later.  I ask him if he really wants me to come home.  His response:

“Yeah baby, come home first so we can do it real quick”

*sigh*  I swear he is JUST MY TYPE!!!!!

Anyways, don’t hate, congratulate!!  I’m gonna go git me some now.

Peace out, Bitches!

 

Hi freakie deakies!! How’s my posse doing today?  Fucking Spendid!!

Still waiting on a cool new header.  Bronson, WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO??? LOL j/k  Seriously though, come the fuck on with it…

Anyhoo, I’ve been making my rounds (slowly, fucking sue me) to your blogs trying to play catch up again.  Although it’s been trying, i know i have earned at least a minute amount of respect back from some of you.  Don’t give up on me yet, my best whoring is just beginning!

I had a nice Mothers Day.  Mike is such a sweetie pie!! He bought me a new pair of flipidy flops (Adidas this time) and a new outfit.   It’s like a work outfit.  It’s khaki (beige for you fucktards out there) capris and a matching pink and beige polo shirt.  It’s very cute and summery.   I was all proud of my baby for going and picking out my outfit all by himself. Even got my sizes right!  Way to fucking go!!  Of course when i look at the capris, they look like they have extra ass hugeness, and i frown.  He immediately says “oh, baby,  I think they might be big.” 

“Fuck YEAH they might be big”, I think to myself. 

“Well, try them on and see.” he says.

I do.  They fit.  FUCK!!  oh well.  a couple days of a liquid diet will help that out. 

So, I wear the outfit today at work.  My first inclination that something was awry (is that a fucking word even?) is that the over 40 work crowd all immediately told me how cute I looked. **THIS IS NOT A SLAM AGAINST WOMEN OVER 40, JUST READ THE REST OF THE STORY PLEASE**

 The girls my age said nothing.  NOTHING.   hmmmm…. I know it fits right and it’s totally work appropriate.  ah fuck them anyway.  Jealous much??

Then my bff here notices the outfit.  

“oh, is that your new outfit?”

“yeah, Mike picked it all by himself. Ain’t it cute?”

“yeah, it’s alright… it’s cute.  it’s TOTALLY  something he would pick though, not you.”

This gets me thinking.  I go in the bathroom and look in the full length mirror. 

Now most of you may not (or may even) know that my wardrobe consists mostly of jeans and t-shirts with sayings on them like “i’m kind of a big deal” or ” real men lick pussy” or ” 9 out of the 10 voices in my head say ‘i’d fuck that’”.  this is a polo shirt and beige capris.  which make my hot ass look gi-fucking-gantic.

“OMG! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SOCCER MOM!”

i actually screamed this out loud in the bathroom. 

Seriously, all i need is a Starbucks cup and a minivan and i’m all fucking set.  God, Shoot me.

God love him though, he picked it out himself and it fits…even my huge ass. 

i think i’ll “lose” this outfit for a while….

much love and peace, bitches!!

 

What’s up little whore friends?

So, i’ve been busy, not doing anything imparticular, just whatever… but it’s hindered my blogging ability…greatly.

So, I’m gonna try to recap what i’ve been up to the last month or so.  of course it has to be in the form of a list (YESSSS)

1. I’ve been working. yay.
2. i’ve been hanging out. same ole same ole.
3. i’ve been fucking Mike.
4. i’ve been hanging out with Mike.
5. We’ve been working on re-doing Joey’s room.
6. We’re still working on Joey’s room.
7. I downloaded Limwire.
8. I spent two days downloading songs like “Don’t Fear the Reaper”.  Yes ya’ll, i’m THAT gay.
9. I’ve been working some more.  more yay.
10. My friends have all been getting knocked up.  seriously, like i’m afraid i’m gonna “catch” it or something.   Mike isn’t too happy about the  “two-condom plus saran wrap” rule.
11. I’ve been rocking out.
12. I’ve been having people over for cards and getting SHITTY wasted (alriiiight!)
13. I found myspace.  Oh god. help me.  you can see a gazillion pics of my kids though.  check it out www.myspace.com/reg927  You won’t be disappointed.  And DT, you are NOT allowed to make fun of me.
14. I’ve been loving and missing Evyl more than he loves and misses me
15. I’ve been spending money on shit i don’t need/have money for. 
16. OH, and i’m not caring about above.
17. I gave my 13 year old and ungodly amount of money for his birthday.  I do not recommend this.  The look on his face was like he just took like 14 hits of acid or something.  Completely stunned, and brought back some weird memories for me (hmmmm….)
18. While doing all the above, you know i’m continuously rocking out, and being a tiny whore.
19. I yelled at MIkes brother for being more drunk than me last weekend.  Hey, there’s only one alchie per household and i own this one so…. fucking deal.
20. i’ve been underwater basketweaving all while drinking water and singing the star spangled banner with my ventriloquist dummy. 
21. ok, i lied about that last one.  i HATE dummies.  ya’ll should KNOW THAT.
22. I beat Mike for trying to trick me into watching that gay doll movie Dead Silence.  Not a cool move.
23. I’ve been watching Mike and Joey play video games like fucking fiends.
24. I’ve been rocking out Guitar Hero BIGTIME  (STFU DT!!!!)

So, in a nutshell that’s about it.  You haven’t missed anything too spectacular, expect maybe a few ass whoopins at euchre and me drunk cooking.  guess i’m not too bad.. but need supervision

I love ya’ll!! seriously, get to my myspace page and at least check out all my pics.  i’m proud of them!

 

peace out bitches!

 

 

Just been busy doing that whole life thing.   You know how it is!!

Wanted to let all you crazy freaks now i’m still here and will post again in a day or two.  If you’ve been checking….

Love you bitches!  Peace out

 

Hi Hotties!

What’s up my little whore followers?

So, today is the magic day we call Easter.  For those of you that think Easter is only about the bunnies and candies (and Peeps of course) well, it’s fucking not. 

Easter reps something really cool.  When Jesus came back from the dead.  But not as a zombie and that’s even cooler!

So, in my traditional, list-loving way, here are  MY Top 10 reasons for wanting to hang out with Jesus:

1.  The water into wine thing is totally bitchin’.  Being a serious drunk, Jesus is a MUST-HAVE at parties!  Now I can be a serious and righteous drinker at the same time!  And, since I’m drinking the shit He made, it must be good for me too!

 2.  The fishes and loaves thing.  He took 2 loaves and 5  fishes and fed 5000 fucking people!  Imagine what he could do with a serious case of the munchies!! Me and JC can smoke a little from the “Prince of Peace” pipe and the magic is on!! I wonder if he could take a cheesy beefy melt from Taco Bell and make it just a lifetime supply?  Of course He can, He’s Jesus Effing Christ!

3.  Jesus and his disciples travelled ALOT.  Most of this they did on foot.  So, i’m thinking that JC must have an incredible amount of stamina and doesn’t tire easily.  It would be really cool to have Him driving with me on my trips to Florida.  Not to mention how much faster we could get there since He can drive any speed limit He wants.  What cop in their right fucking mind would give Jesus a speeding ticket??

 4.  He’s a stylin’ dawg!  I mean, we only have the pictures in church and whatnot.  But one thing is always true, his hair is AWESOME!  He could so be a rock star!  I think it would be cool playing Guitar Hero with him, and the bonus would be that he could help me with the songs i’m really bad at (Slayer’s Reigning Blood is gonna kill me I swear).  All my friends will want to play G/H with Jesus.  He’s THAT good!

5.  He knows alot of shit.  Jesus is a teacher and master, but never went to college. He’s THAT fucking smart!  He could totally tell me alot of the shit He knows and then I can blab and sound all like a know-it-all.  If you wanna fucking disagree i’ll just be like “Um, fuck off, cuz Jesus told me so I KNOW it’s true”.  Yeah, take that, bitches!

6.  That whole forgiveness thing.  When I fuck up, I can just call JC up and be like “oh MAN, I really fucking that up.  It was my bad. I’m sorry. Are we cool?”  When He says “sure” I can feel better and make some plans for later, involving a gallon of strawberry wine and as many fucking cheesy beefy melts I can eat!

7.  That whole healing thing.  Jesus is a master of healing the sick.  No more colds, no more flus, NO MORE HANGOVERS!  WOO HOO!

 8.  He’s a lover, not a fighter.  Which is good cuz when I’m done whopping some ass, I’m gonna need to Him calm me down.  I bet he’d be a great anger managment counselor.

9.   He’s not too demanding.  You know how you always have that ONE friend that always needs something? A ride? Money?  Sympathy?  The back of your hand across their face?  Well, JC isn’t like that.  He works off LOVE, and that’s alright with me!

10.  He’s real fucking reliable.  I mean He DIED for Christ’s sake!  And even that couldn’t stop Him from just coming back and being like “See, I still have some shit to do and fulfill a Phrophecy and shit, so I’m not leaving JUST yet!”  THAT’S the guy you want to help you move and do important shit like that with.  He ain’t gonna punk out when you only have the truck that one day to move all your shit!

So, I hope you all have fun,  eat lot’s of ham, or whatever the fuck you want to eat!  Don’t eat too much candy (yeah right) and give JC some props for coming back to hang out.

Peace out, Bitches!

Oh yeah, here it is!

So, I stole this lovely little meme from Cowgal. She’s a beauty, so go and see her. She’ll have a beer waiting for you!

God, I do love a good meme!

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, as what or whom would you go?

I’d go as your mom, of course.  I figure all I need is a labotomy and some tights.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

I like charcoal better, but am impatient so I usually use gas.  I like tomatoes, mayo, ketchup, red onion, lettuce, tomato, and a few hairs from an elephant’s ass. Seriously, great flavor!

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

“You REALLY don’t know how fucking stupid you are, do you?” 

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

Drinking!  The earliest i’ve started is 6am.  I don’t even get up that early for work!

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

For someone else to pay.

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

pop-ups. oh God, they fucking suck!
 

7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?

Captain Scoopy McPooper

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock, cuz then if I lose, my hand is already fisted up to punch the dumbass who beat me.

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding?

With the ex-hubby it was four years. And the marriage only lasted a year.  See, I DONT take shit!

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Surely too quiet.  The voices in my head are loud and bossy.  I drown them out with loud angry music.

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

When they are ugly…(or unfortunate looking, for all you PC fuckers out there).  It gives my ego a real mega-boost!

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Swedish fish, and ONLY the red ones.  Don’t try to fuck with them other colors.  They are just decoys so you won’t eat all the red ones.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

The hookers and hobos on 8 mile.  I guess they are moving landmarks.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

When people talk about anything besides me, how sexy I am, or how awesome I am, I immediately tune them out by turning on loud, angry music.  People find this incredibly annoying, but I don’t understand why.  Talk about me, and this shit won’t happen.

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?

Just once…and that’s because the driver’s ed teacher must have been on crack.  I’m a horrible driver!

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

Hot butterscotch.. no, wait… vodka.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

I’m assuming beer is not a food item (although I would be willing to debate that since you can buy it in the  fucking supermarket) so i’ll say cheese.

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I kick the living shit out of that envelope person and take them both. 

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?

TV by a long shot…I could care less if I have TV.

20. What is your highest level of education?

Completed High School…and then got knocked up.  Go me!!

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it’s been?

I paid $3.21 a gallon today.  My ass hurts everytime I get gas.  I wish they would find another way to fuck me.  seriously.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

No shit, it was a Holly Hobbie lunch box.  Then I got poor kids free lunch so I usually didn’t eat to spare myself the embarrassment.

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?

 You know, i’m doing pretty good at this cooking thing, but seriously, I am wasting an awful lot of precious drinking time slaving away over a stove.  So, send me Gordon Fucking Ramsay.

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?

Traffic…I can walk home or to the local bar then.

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?

HOLYFUCKINGSHITASSHOLEPIGFUCKINGCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERFAGASSDICKSHIT!!!

What? That IS cleaned up!

I heart all of you and shit!  Peace out, Bitches!

Hi lovelies!

So, i’m home today.  Why?  Because i’m fucking pissed, that’s why.

Why am I pissed you ask?  Because Mike made me fucking cry.  Alot.  

Ok, ok, put down the bats and hatchets, (DT, put down that trident) and listen.  It’s actually a pretty funny story.  Ok, maybe funny, maybe not.  I haven’t slept much so humor me.

Last night Mike is sitting online playing poker (AGAIN) when he starts talking about me paying off my car next year and getting a bigger vehicle so we can all fit into one.  He starts showing me pics of an 07 GMC Acadia. . Nice fucking truck btw.

It’s $30,000.00.  HA!

You may not know this, but that’s about what I make in a year.  On top of the fact that I have a $70,000 mortgage on my head and my credit is shitworthy right now, I start to laugh at this. 

He wonders what is so funny. 

“Well, I don’t think I can get a $30,000 vehicle.  It’s just not feasible.” 

“Anybody can get  a car.”, he states oh-so-matter-of-factly. 

“Yeah, a car, not a $30,000.00 car.”

I walk out of the room and behind me he yells, “SHUT UP and quit your fucking crying!”

Um, excuuuuuuuse me?? Baking powder??

 I march back in the room.  He sits there playing poker.  I ask him does he think it’s cool to tell me to shut up in MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE and then sit there and play a stupid game.   He ignores me.

I thwap him upside his fucking head.  He doesn’t respond well to this.

He tells me to shut up again and don’t even fucking say another word and that i’m so fucking negative. 

I ask why i’m negative. He tells me because I don’t think I can get this truck.  I explain, no, that’s not being negative, that’s being realistic.   I can barely afford what I have now, WHY would I want to add more to it.  Is HE gonna fucking make the payment? yeah, right.   Then he tells me i’m stupid.  Now this is the second time he’s called me stupid.  And yeah, I feel stupid at this moment because i’m not big enough to whoop his ass.

So, in all my frustration, I start to cry.  This is a bad thing because I haven’t cried in a while and the tears feel oh-so-good streaming down my face. 

Now, some girls can cry and cry and their eyes get a little red or they might get a runny nose for a minute.  Me,  I look like I have been punched 6 times and have been crying for 3 days straight.

Hence the reason i’m home today.   The LAST thing I need is a bunch of fake ass bitches being all, “oh, sweetie, are you ok?”  “Would you like to talk about it?”  Um, no fucking thanks.

Anyhoo, so last night i’m crying and I tell him that it’s fucking bullshit that he thinks he can talk to me any ole kinda way.   He starts mocking me in this fucking two-year old’s voice, like apparently that’s what I sound like. 

Kathy, you’ve talked to me.  Is THAT what I sound like?  God, kill me now if it is.

So, now i’m just crying and laughing because HE is fucking stupid.  He is stupid because little does he know that if he ever tries to talk to me like that again, he’s out.  I don’t give a fuck.

Reggie don’t fucking play that.  I ain’t wasting your time, don’t fucking waste mine.

So, then we go to bed.  I try again (i know, stupid right) that I wasn’t being negative, just being a realist and that there are lots of vehicles I could find for way cheaper than that.  He says ok and now he is gonna try to get laid.

He wasn’t about to give up, and it was FAR from makeup sex, believe me.  So, I took one for the team and faked it, so he would hurry up and get off me.  It worked.  Phew!

I wake up this morning, and whaddaya know!  My eyes are all fucking swollen and i’m still fucking crying.  Oh, and just so you know, I did apologize for hitting him.  That was wrong.  Did he apologize to me?  Fuck no.

Crying because I promised I wouldn’t let someone make me that mad, crying because it hurt my feelings.  Crying because I think I picked the wrong fucking one, again.  Crying because I fucking need to cry. 

So, now he’s gonna call at lunch and it’s gonna be all awkward because i’m still mad and he thinks everything is ok because he got laid last night (if that’s what you want to call it..I guess i’m that good) and I think I just might not answer the phone.

Ugh, MEN!!!

You know I still love you though

 

Hey ya’ll!

So, I finally made it to EVERYONE on my blogroll today and at least read and commented on a few posts.  It’s not easy playing catch up, and some of you fuckers write ALOT!

Here’s a few things i’ll just blab to you all about:

Some of you have me blog rolled twice, which I think is awesome!  Some of you don’t have me blogrolled at all any more and that fucking hurts, it does.   So you should do some blogroll inventory and check your facts…for real.  Don’t make me come over there!

There really hasn’t been alot going on in my life that’s worth writing about and my sense of humor is crap.  I’ve thought about throwing in the blog-towel but  know i’m just in a slump or somefuckingthing and i’ll get over it soon enough.  Fucking winter.

My son cut his head open running through the house when his stepbroher tripped him and had to get three stitches.  I doubt he learned a lesson about running in the house though.

Although I love having Mike around and I heart him and all that shit, sometimes I do miss having the house to my self, eating a baked potato and cereal for dinner and watching 3 hours of Law and Order.  Hey man, don’t hate, everyone has their thing, alright?

Work fucking sucks and i’m ready to have a cage match in the parking lot with some  two-faced co-workers.  Spilling their haterade all over the place and shit.  Grow up and Shut up!

Did I mention that I hate winter?

I’m fucking drowning in debt…HELP!! Everyone send me a fucking dollar, please!  Maybe if everyone who reads this sends a dollar i’ll have like $4!!

I wonder if I’m just losing my edge with this whole blogging thing.  I need your love and I need it NOW!!

Other than that, things are moving along, kids are growing, i’m getting winter chub, and I have no marriage plans or anything crazy like that. I’m really just working on getting my fucking sense of humor back and prank calling Mother Nature until she changes this fucking weather.

Peace out Bitches!

/rant

 

Hey bitches! What’s shakin my little porn stars?

 So, my gal from Cowgal land did a meme with 7 random things about herself, and she tagged me to join in the fun.
Since I love a good meme, like a crack head likes smokin the bobos, I’m gonna do this and get my fix.

And AWAAAAAAAY we go!

1. I’m terrified of dolls that open and close their eyes, and particularly ventriloquist dummies. i’ll seriously flip the fuck out and someone may get beat if they ever tried to punk me by putting one in my house. Those things are possessed and could get up and kill me. Fuck That Shit!

2. Sometimes, I really just don’t give a fuck.

3. I’ve been to Florida like 8 times in my life, but never to Wisconsin. Oh, and I’ve been to your mom’s house. It’s not too shabby.

4. I love to sing Karaoke, especially Gretchen Wilson and the Dixie Chicks, but I hate country music.

5. I drank 9 beers the other night. Mike said, “you and the beer got a room”…. how romantic!! LOL

6. I’m a horrible money manager, and if it weren’t for the money fairies that save my ass all the time, i’d surely be a fucking dirty hobo by now. Much of this is due to #2 above.

7. I love my HDTV so much, that if a show isn’t in HD, I really don’t want to even watch it. I’m fucking spoiled. So sue me. Just make sure that The People’s Court is available in HD. Those of you who have HD know exactly what the fuck i’m talking about. Those of you who don’t, well that really is SAD…

I’m a single mom with two kids.  I have Joey, who is 13 and Becca, who is 8.  When I’m not trying to be the best whore I can be, I’m being super-awesome-funnest-in-the-universe-MOM!!

 Those of you who are familiar with my blog (there are many, and I heart you all) know my kids are super-dee-duper fucking know-it-alls with giant brains and even bigger personalities (they got my genes, lucky little kids!!)

Now that they are getting older, it’s time that they started pulling their own weight and whatnot.   You know, earn their keep.  Since I can’t starve or beat them into working (damn child protection laws) I have to be one step ahead.  And they are wiley little fuckers so I gotta keep my thinking cap on double time! 

I’ve got the solution though, and it’s to play their little asses against each other!  (I know! Fucking Brilliant right!?)

Here’s the scenario:

I want my son to mow the lawn (or something remotely chore-related).  Of course, I get the ” Ok, mom, in a minute.” response.

***side note**  Minutes are hours in Kid-time.

So, after waiting, impatiently, and chugging a 6-pack (HEY, in my scenario it’s a hot summer day!!), I call to the girl. 

“Hey, you wanna make 5 bucks?”

“Sure Muh-muh! (remember the Becca-speak?) what do I have to do?”

“Just go find your brother and follow him around and annoy him until he comes to me.”

*smiling* “SURE!!” 

Off she goes. 

Now, I wait.  Not too long though, about 10 minutes.  Here comes the boy, the girl hot on his heels.

“MOM! Did you PAY Becca to bug me??”

“Nope” *winks at Becca*  ( not yet anyway)

“Well, she won’t leave me alone and she’s driving me CRAZY!!! Will you tell her to QUIT IT!??”

“Sure Bub, i’ll tell her, as long as you go and mow the lawn now.”

“Fine! anything, just get her AWAY from me!”

Off he goes to mow the lawn.  I slap Becca the five-spot and call it a day.  Everyone is happy, and I can get back to my drinkin.

 I know, you can submit your Parent Of The Year award noms to my email addy. 

God, i’m fucking smart!

Peace out Bitches!!!